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Appearances.

April 30, 2010

Vulva. If you say the word aloud (vullllvaaa!), it seems to fold in upon itself, not unlike its anatomical counterpart. A good amount of my time goes into thinking about my vulva: how it’s feeling, what it wants, how I’d like it to look, deciding who I want it to see, and generally getting to know my always and forever, my best friend, my right-hand gal. Here are two of the biggest issues I’ve taken regarding the appearance of my vulva.

I. Comparisons
You have undoubtedly heard that all vulvas look like beautiful, blooming flowers and smooth, shiny seashells. When I look at my genitals, I am supposed to see something like a rose or a clam or the inside of a conch. I was pretty shocked when I looked down and saw…well. I don’t have much to compare it to. I suppose if you crunched up a couple of rose petals, smoothed out the lips of the giant clam, and stuck a pearl at the top of it, you would have something that could potentially bare resemblance to my ladybits. But who wants to hear the words ‘giant clam’ in reference to their gentials? I do not. My labia majora are big, but not puffy. They tend to cover everything up aside from my labia minora, which are dark brown, uneven, and tend to dangle down a little. Really, they’re just friendly. My clitoris is a nice, dark pink, pokes out just a little from under the hood, and is fairly easy to locate (at least, it always has been for me). My vagina is swathed in many layers and is easily excited. Everything moves around nicely when pushed and prodded, and I take full advantage of its offers. My vulva is happy and alive and my body’s one source of immeasurable pleasure, and that has nothing to do with foliage or sea life.

II. Hair
I have been just about everywhere on the spectrum when it comes to shaving or not shaving my vulva. During the times when no one was hanging out with her, I tried shaving everything off completely. This was an awful idea. At first I thought it was interesting, but then I realized that I looked a little bit…five. Then razorburn and itchiness and stubble led to me never doing that again. Ever. I tried shaving the sides and the labia majora once, and just leaving a patch at the top, but the maintenance for that was just as awful and time-consuming as it was to get rid of everything, AND it looked incredibly foolish. Every once in a while I think, “It couldn’t be bad to just trim with a pair of scissors.” Which it probably isn’t, for a lot of people. I have fairly course hair, though, and it always just ends up poking around in an odd way and feeling rather unpleasant to the touch. Which leads me to where I am now: quite hairy and quite content. Lots of people are under the impression that it gets in the way during sex, but that is actually one of the purposes of pubic hair, and I have never had any problem with it. I am happy, my vagina is happy, and I don’t plan on bringing any sharp instruments near her any time soon.

For more on the wide variety of vulval appearances, see Betty Dodson’s Vulva Illustrations.

In the way of bleeding.

February 22, 2010

Hello, there! As an introductory post, I figured I would take the easy way out and talk about menstrual products. There are a bunch of different options, and the differences between them can sometimes be overwhelming, so I am ranking the products I have tried from least favorite to most favorite, and discussing the pros and cons of the ones I have not yet tried (but plan to!). My  list:

4. Disposable pads
3. Tampons
2. Reusable cloth pads
1. Silicone cup

And the two I have not tried, but will discuss: a) sea sponges, and b) blood towels.

We will start with #4, Disposable pads
These are definitely my least favorite products. They tend to be bulky and I have found that, in worst case scenarios, they sometimes crinkle up and make noises that others probably do not hear but make me self conscious as all get-out. Unless you search your local health-foods store for disposable alternatives, they contain bleach and other funky chemicals that enhance the already unique odor of menstrual blood. Also, I just feel ooky about any sort of chemical around my vagina and her precious pH levels. Thanks to my dangly little labia friends, they always absorbed my blood in silly places and leaked a lot. They keep me very aware of the fact that I am on my period, and not in a good way.

Next, we will move to #3, Tampons
Before delving into the wonderful realm of reusable products, tampons were my method of choice for catchin’ blood. There are plenty of good things about them: they are comfortable (most of the time), they contain odor nicely, they allow you to wear that skimpy dress you were thinking about on your date, and they are easy to find. I found, however, that the cons far outweighed the pros: they were a hassle to dispose of (so much paper! so much cotton!), I had to keep a pretty strict changing schedule so as to avoid the dreaded toxic shock, they were even more prone to leaks than pads, they have the same funky chemicals as pads and they are actually IN the vagina, they are expensive, and if I have particularly bad cramps one day or my vag isn’t as moist as it could be, they are anything but comfy to insert or take out. Comfort, convenience, and accessability are important, but not if I have to be awful to my body, my wallet, and the environment in the process.

Now for #2, Resuable cloth pads
I always prefer internal methods to external, but sometimes I just want to bleed and not have to poke around inside. On those days, I go for resuable cloth pads. While they are intially expensive to purchase (unless you can sew your own!), they end up paying for themselves within a few months. Go ahead and calculate the amount of money you spend each month on  pads and tampons that you just throw out, and then think about how much of that could be in your pocket if it were a one-time purchase. In more practical terms, they are the most comfortable things. Disposable pads often make me sweat because of all the plastic and whatnot, but these are just cotton (or bamboo, or anything you want, really) that breaths like a pair of super-soft underwear and absorbs just as well as its disposable cousin. You can also buy these and other reusable products from www.gladrags.com , www.lunapads.com , or any website where people can sell their crafts independently (one of my favorites is www.etsy.com …just type ‘menstrual pads’ into the search bar). The only hassle is the fact that you have to take a little time out of the day to soak them in warm-ish water and give ’em a wash. I like to handwash mine in the sink, but you can also just toss them into the machine.

Finally, with a drum roll…#1, the menstrual cup
I could sing the praises of this beautiful product for days on end. It has all of the pros of tampons, with none of the cons! A few good things: all the above benefits of internal protection, easy cleaning, body- and environmentally-safe material (usually silicone and/or rubber), and no worries about toxic shock syndrome (you can leave it in until it’s full). In terms of cleaning, I always try to take mine out in my own bathroom. You just slip it out, dump the blood into the toilet, rinse it with water, and put it back in. If you’re in a public restroom, I would suggest bringing a little spray bottle around so you can rinse it off in the stall. When your cycle is over, all you’ve got to do is stick it in some boiling water for three minutes. No soaps, no chemicals, no extra packaging. In terms of comfort, the cup has something pretty huge going for it. Unlike tampons, it doesn’t absorb your blood…it just catches it. That means that it also doesn’t absorb your normal vaginal secretions and make you feel dry and uncomfortable. As a result, I have found that my cramps (and a few other PMS-type symptoms) have decreased or disappeared altogether. You can find a few different brands of cups at both www.gladrags.com and www.lunapads.com . Again, it’s pricey to start out with, but pays for itself in no time, especially considering how long you can keep them.

a) Sea sponges
I will copy and paste an exerpt of text from www.jadeandpearl.com , one of the leading manufacturers of sea sponge tampons:

Sea Pearls are extremely comfortable, soft, and textured much like the vaginal wall. They can be custom trimmed to fit your unique form, so you won’t even notice they are there! Sponges are naturally very absorbent, and can also be used during sex. Some women choose to use them for contraception with a spermicide of their choice.

Sea Pearls are convenient – no more running to the store for emergency tampons. Compared to the cost of conventional single use tampons and pads, our reusable Sea Pearls save you money and you will never again need to worry about polluting the environment with used feminine hygiene products. Can you believe the average woman uses nearly 17,000 disposable pads and tampons throughout her lifetime? In North America alone, an estimated 20 billion bleached pads and tampons end up in our landfills and sewage systems each year!

The biggest con to sea sponges that I have come across is that when they are full, they’re full. Evidently, a turn in the wrong direction or a particularly rough sneeze can cause all sorts of leaky issues. That could, of course, be solved by wearing a reusable pad.

b) Blood towels

I can’t personally vouch for these (I’ll get back to you on it in two weeks or so), but my girlfriend is pretty crazy about them. Basically, it’s a towel. In your pants. You don’t have to buy anything or read about anything…you just cut up a towel, fold it around your underwear, and make dinner or something. I think it’s more of an around-the-house type of protection, but it is evidently very comfortable and worry-free. I plan on trying.

Greetings!

February 17, 2010

This is a blog about my:
vagina, pussy, bearded clam, vertical smile, beaver, cunt, trim, hair pie, bearded ax wound, tuna taco, fur burger, cooch, cooter, punani, snatch, twat, lovebox, box, poontang, cookie, fuckhole, love canal, flower, nana, pink taco, cat, catcher’s mitt, muff, roast beef curtains, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, love hole, deep socket, cum craver, cock squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit, hatchet wound, honey pot, quim, meat massager, chacha, stinkhole, black hole of calcutta, cock socket, bottomless pit, dead clam, cum crack, twat, rattlesnake canyon, bush, cunny, flaps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, gash, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, pink, piss flaps, the fish flap, love rug, vadge, the furry cup, stench-trench, wizard’s sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, cock holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle’s doodle goes, altar of love, cupid’s cupboard, bird’s nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, nookie, sugar basin, sweet briar, breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, fuckpocket, hump hole, pink circle, silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak, Republic of Labia, juice box, Golden Palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet. Holiest of Holies, sugar hole, The Death of Adam, home plate, Deer Hoof, Golden Arches, Cats Paw, Mule Nose, Yo Yo Smuggler, Mumbler (Aussie), Dinner Roll, Crotch Waffle, Piss Fenders, crack, Melvin, Dove Breast, Brakepads, Vedgie, Slurpy, Vacuum Vulva, Pastrami Flaps, Hot Tamaki Walk, Buffalo Gums, Rooster Jaws, Wagon Ruts, Beaver Teeth, Mumble Pants (Sweden), Ninja Boot, Marcia (Aussie), Skin Canoe, Fatty, Mossy Jaw, The Big W, Chia Hole, Lip Jeans, Beetle Hood, Hungry Minge, Sausage Wallet, Front Bottom, Welly Top, Frum, Pancake Fold, Tongue Roll, Bologna Flap-Over, Furrogi (Poland), Fortune Nookie (China), Bearded Taco, Calamari Cockring, Displabia, Slot Pocket, Bluntfrunt, Fishamjig, Pole Magnet, Pocket Pie, Clamarama, kitty cage, Chicken’s tongue, Conch shell, Crack of heaven, Dog’s mouth, Door of life, Fly catcher, Fruit cup, Jelly roll, Lobster pot, bunny tuft, KNISH, her asshole neighbor, lotus, nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, hairy heaven.

…stay tuned.